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7 Questions. Immaculate results.


1. It’s Friday night and you have no plans. What sounds good?

A. Girls night at Bacari 

B. Midnight screening of The Big Lebowski

C. Surprising my hardworking friend with a celebratory dinner

D. Taking any substance I’m handed and fucking anyone who breathes

E. Trying to throw up this key I swallowed lol 

F. Tonight I will stay in and tend to my beans

G. Binging The Office all fuckin night.

H. Picking a piece of chewing gum off the street and calling it my muse

I. Taking my stuffies to the playground and sucking my wittle thumb 

J. Ignoring my bills while drinking wine and roasting people I’ve never met on Instagram 

K. Writing my manifesto and killing my neighbor, Marie

L. Taking a stroll through central park. Maybe carrying a baguette. 

M. Doing laundry and going to sleep early to prep for 8 AM yoga.

N. Kill Marry Fuck: To Catch A Predator Edition 

O. Catching up on my books! Whoopee! 


Q. Well I’m a Leo so I’ll be in the club showing my stuff


2. You have a budget of $50. What are you online shopping for?

A. A cute top

B. A Pulp Fiction poster signed by the line producer

C. I would donate it to the puppies or get my friends some lovely gifts!

D. I took acid and sent an edible arrangement to my enemy just to confuse them

E. $50?! I could get half a hand job with that!

F. Looks like I get to buy 10 whole cloth napkins.

G. A cameo from Meredith from The Office

H. A vintage hair clip made from old cigarettes. Oh shit, I went $20 over budget.

I. What is money I make poopoos

J. The city turned off my lights but I’m gonna buy weed 

K. Paper for my manifesto. I am going to kill my neighbor, Marie

L. Woah that’s a lot of baguettes 

M. I’ve been saving coupons. I can finally get the Shark Vac Mop!

N. Furby skull 

O. Books, books and oodles and noodles of books for me!


Q. I’d probably just buy a Kappa Theta sweater so everyone knows I’m Kappa Theta.


3. Where would you want to go on a first date?

A. Maybe drinks at EP LP and a cute stroll 

B. They’re doing a showing of Goodfellas in my room, you should come

C. I’ve prepared a five course picnic but haha it’s up to you i’m up for whatever!

D. Dancing on my roof until we fall off of it on purpose

E. Let’s roll around in my bunghole ‘

F. It would be nice to sit in silence and drink some water

G. Tacos and an Office marathon!! Jim and Pam are goals!

H. I don’t do dates. Maybe we could drive to the desert in the night in my broken car.


J. My date would come watch me do improv for 3 people (no comped tickets srry babe) 

K. My date would be Marie, my neighbor (I kill). I would read my manifesto to her corpse.

L. Le Pain Quotidien

M. They can join me to pick up my dry cleaning hahaha I don’t have a ton of time

N. Hooters dressed like Mormon missionaries 

O. The library perhapst! 


Q. A movie so they can’t leave lol (I’m such an anxious attached person hahaha)


4. Someone has to play you in a movie about your life. Who is it?

A. Amy Adams?

B. Nicholas Cage

C. A Golden Retriever 

D. A toaster in a bathtub 

E. A bag of mud that keeps throwing up lol

F. The little figure who appears on the public restroom signs


H. Gérard Depardieu. He’s this old French actor you don’t know. 


J. Me. I’m an actor actually. I was cut from my friend Josh’s student film, “Drowned”.

K. Marie in a disguise. Before her death after reading my manifesto. 

L. Baguette with legs?

M. Lauren Graham or Leslie Mann or Julianne Moore or Sally Field 

N. A garbage fire

O. Perhapst a book of riddles! 

P. SENAtOR HarVeY WeInStein for PrESIDEnt 3040 !!!! CUCK!!!!!

Q. Anyone who’s a Swiftie! I’m a Swiftie. As long as they are a Swiftie, they are me.


5. What’s your favorite sexual position?

A. I think it depends on the person! 

B. Watching Godfather themed porn alone on the big screen

C. Whatever makes my partner feel safe and comfortable!

D. Shove it in my BACK

E. Bunghole style all day 

F. Silent missionary or nothing at all please.

G. That’s what she said!!

H. I’m reciting poetry & my partner puts out cigarettes on my back that is sex to me.

I. I ONLY LIKE KISSING but I want to find my prince!!

J. I’ll take what I can get haha whatever haha 

K. Marie is dead. I have just read my manifesto. I exit her home with great haste.

L. Toes to toes like a long long baguette 

M. Hahaha whatever is the fastest. I have errands to run, babe!

N. Let’s see how long we can fuck to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack

O. I have read many a book, but not the Kama Sutra!


Q. I’m in the Daddy Gang so I’m all about the Gluck Gluck 9000


6. What are your life goals?

A. I would love a career that doesn’t feel like work

B. Watch every Tarantino movie during sex

C. I want a family

D. Try to stay alive for at least the first half of today

E. Take a solid poop

F. I would like a 401k and nothing else

G. Work at Dunder Mifflin 

H. Find the ghost of Salvador Dalí and make him pay 

I. Live at Disneyland!

J. continue to disappoint my sexual partners lmao 

K. They are watching. They know I’ve killed Marie. There are cameras in my bath.

L. Make a garlic bread with the baguette

M. To get a moment to myself, am I right? Mamma needs happy hour! 

N. Own a swarm of goats 

O. To visit every library in the whole booky world!


Q. I come from a big Italian family so I wanna get married and make my ma proud


7. What did you do right before this?

A. I got a facial!! I will be okay in life.

B. Try to find my ass but I couldn’t

C. I spend every day spreading holiday cheer

D. I’m fucking Donald Duck while taking this quiz

E. I woke up in the reservoir 10 minutes ago

F. Sitting in silence trying to think of silence

G. Watching the Dundies

H. Throwing up dust so I can write a poem about loss

I. Reinforcing my pillow fort and watching Encanto

J. Texting my best friends’ exes to see if they’ll buy me lunch lol idk

K. It doesn’t matter if Marie’s private police find me, I am God, I am invincible

L. Carrying a baguette around the city, what else?

M. Making an itinerary for the next girls trip or family vacation

N. Disassociating but I’m all good

O. I am reading a book instead of taking this quiz. I am not even reading this.


Q. Taking other personality quizzes honestly, I’m such a personality quiz person

* * *



Count up the letters of your answers. If you got a mix of answers, you might be a mix of several personality types. Or create your own, that’s what we did.


A: A Pop Culture Queen who Knows How To Make a Reservation

This personality type understands what colors look good together on an instagram feed. They also know all about who Pete Davidson is currently dating and when they will break up. They have some yummy little dance moves and are very fun to share a cocktail with. They love Aritizia and we love that for them. They are usually doing okay and will be okay.


B: Movie Buff with No Ass

This personality type can list every Star Wars sequel by name and has a Godfather poster hanging in their room. What they don’t have is an ass. But they DO know every character in Lord of The Rings personally. 


C: A Sweet Little Golden Boy

Picture the person in your life who is most pure and most likely to tell a stranger their shoelace is untied. This is the sweetest of little golden boys. In contrast to toxic masculinity, sweet little golden boys, who can be any gender, make the world go round and round. You can always count on a sweet little golden boy to check on everyone at the party or send you an edible arrangement. These people are treasures. Do not lose them. Notable figures who identify as sweet little golden boys include our friend, Jeremy, from high school and our friend, Jonny, from high school. 


D: Chaos Tornado

This personality type is neither good nor bad: they are just drunk. Chaos follows them everywhere they go and maybe it's because of them, but we don’t know yet. This is the person you invite to a party, but don’t expect them to know anything about your personal life. They have three celebrities on Snapchat and stories that beg the question “are you in danger? Seriously, are you in danger?”. If this person died in a freak accident, you would be so sad, but it would make sense. Dang. 


E: Yucky Little Pig Pig

This personality type is a hoot with absolutely no fucking standards or filter. You always want them to come with you to a seedy bar or try out the new massage parlor, which is just a man in a white van with a poster board that has “free massages” written in crayon on it. The Yucky Little Pig Pig will make eating food off the floor look hot and will never ever judge you for living your life. Suitable environments for a Yucky Little Pig Pig include, but are not limited to: a yucky little bar, the bathroom of a sex shop, and Macauly Caulkin’s camping tent. 


F: A Slice of White Bread Dipped in a Puddle of Water

This personality type thrives in boring situations. They love routine, toast, water, and not talking to any of their loved ones. A suitable career for this type of person would be: local politician, unemployed, or cashier at a water store, a store that sells plain water.


G: The Office

This personality type is the NBC sitcom, The Office, starring Steve Carell. Ironically, this personality type would THRIVE in corporate America more than any other personality type. You would be surprised how many people mistake quoting a television show for having a personality. That’s what she said! 


H: Grunty Little Art Boy

This personality type can be any gender, just as long as their social media aesthetic and personal vibe is grungy grungy yuck yuck. If they get a hard on by looking at an empty bag of flaming hot cheetos on the floor of a dirty car, this person is a Grunty Little Art Boy. If you find yourself taking purposefully bad selfies where they’re sobbing and laying in the street in a dirty shredded hoodie, you might be a grunty little art boy. If you look at Mod Sun and go, “Man, he’s clean,” this is another sign.


I: Adult Child

This person craves the feeling of being small and cute. They want the magic they felt when they were wittle baby and that is understandable. They wear overalls ONLY, even to bed, and when they shower. They are harmless, but will definitely make you watch animated movies instead of real ones. A suitable career for this type of person is: Imagineer at Disneyland, end of list.


J: Child Adult

A Child Adult, unlike an Adult Child, thinks they are an adult, but has not matured in any way shape or form since they were in middle school. They gaslight, they gatekeep, they may be a 45 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. They seem like fun, but maybe they’re not that fun once you have any type of intimate relationship with them. You might be a child adult if you find yourself: being 38 and never having cleaned, drinking during your work hours, or asking underage people for money. Most importantly, you are a child adult if you know you should go to therapy, but instead you make it everyone else’s problem. Suitable careers for a child adult could be: a single white guy who does improv for free, a single white guy who does soundcloud rapping for free, or someone who signs up to be a postmate driver, but never does it.


K: Sociopath

This is a person who is a sociopath.


L: Baguette Babe

This personality type just seems like someone who should be carrying a baguette around the city.


M: Mom

This personality type knows the difference between a 10-99 and a W-9. They have a reusable water bottle and it’s always filled with cold, clean drinking water. They wear contacts and/or reading glasses. 15/10. We love a mom. 


N: Cursed

The cursed personality type lives their life like they’re on a dystopian prank show. They wait for Ashton Kutcher to expose the cameras every time something happens to them. The world is a garbage fire and the cursed personality type is a sick cockroach, doubling in size with every obstacle, until they are the biggest insect this world has ever seen. Notable people with this personality type are: Eric Andre and Julia Fox. Un-notable people with this personality type are: Syd and Olivia. 


O: Ravenclaw

This personality type is the book kind, where Cho Chang is from. Sidenote: maybe let’s not have the only Asian character in the Harry Potter saga be a Ravenclaw. Sidenote to the sidenote: maybe the only Asian character in the Harry Potter saga shouldn’t be named Cho Chang. Footnote on that sidenote to the sidenote: trans women are real women. 


P: Not Okay 

Often saying things like “the vaccine is filled with microchips” and “the lizard people control our breath”, people in the not okay personality type, are not okay. This person may need help or may need to be left alone for centuries to come. Notable people with this personality type are: Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jared from Subway, and the person you’re most worried about seeing at Thanksgiving. 


Q: The Panicking Self-Labeler

This is a personality type strictly defined by how desperate a person is to know their personality type. Whether you’re constantly bringing up your zodiac sign, your attachment style, your religion, you’re freaking out to figure out what box to put yourself in. And that’s fair. The world is big and scary and boxes feel like a womb that keeps you safe, so go ahead and put yourself in the panicking self-labeler box so you’ll be safe forever.

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